Tuesday, November 29, 2005
4:48 PM

things happen, or reveal themselves.
the things people say, the things that are revealed.
truths n lies..the binaries.
maybe i should eradicate all these binaries.
cos nothing lies behind the walls of doubt,
except more doubt.
if only i could translate that trust i have in that
to a trust in everyone.
the choice between ego and humility,
the option between trust and injury.
life's full of choices.
and revelations.

all random,
but i like the way my life is going.

except the part where only ray can identify with.

Sunday, November 27, 2005
2:16 AM

u dropped the baton,
so ure outta the game.
i cant pick it up
n pass it to u
like u were never disqualified.

i just want to be able to
close the door at night
off the table lamp.
sleep without a blanket.
shed no tears
feel no fear at night.
why is it so difficult.

stop telling me im refusing to let myself heal
because i know its not true.
because i know how badly i want to be ok.

Monday, November 21, 2005
9:00 PM

i was at the store just now
and the girl queueing before me
bought a row of sleepin pills.
she looked familiar,
but i felt like i didnt know her.
anyway,
i talked to her.
she beamed at me and told me the funniest jokes.
i asked why she bought the sleepin pills.
and there was a ghost of a frown on her lips.
but she smiled at me again and said,
"nah, i kinda need them to sleep you see."
"why don't you enjoy the night then?"
"cos i can't live thru' the night. i need the morning to come."

i think i ate too many gummies.
theres this sour feeling in my stomach
that refuses to go away.

the talk with her struck me as..
i dont know.
the possibilities and all.

its possible that only one person knows exactly how i feel.
right now.
but unlike her,
im having problems coming to terms to the situation,
to the possibility that im in that position.
i still want to believe in my fantasy.
if only you tell me its reality
and not only tell me but prove it.
but maybe it doesnt matter so much to you anymore.
maybe ive been the only being in this dream of mine.

i told one more person abt that contents of that packet.
maybe youd accept me cos im your friend
like how im accepted as who i am because of double standards
that my friends afford me.
but really.
im still ashamed of it.

i will be in control of myself.
i will i will i will.

maybe i tried too hard and fought too fast.
so im drained and weary from the battle to get to you.
maybe i never trusted you enough
to still believe that you mean everything you said.
maybe i inflated the values of the things you did and said,
so when i realise its not exclusive to me,
it impacts.
but its difficult to hold on to the leftovers
and painful to realise youre doing all these things with her
that you did with me before.
or maybe more.
maybe you felt something.
maybe the keyword is felt.
maybe i dont exist in you no more.
maybe it happened a long time ago.

i thought from then on youd remove all the maybes
but i think you clammed up.
maybe i just have a very wild imagination.
or maybe ive been reading it like im reading horoscopes.
that some things, you say to more than just me.

i know shes another him to me.
the one to fill me with maybes, but less.
really, will u try to alleviate me from this mess?

Friday, November 18, 2005
10:31 PM

im such a bitch, really.
i have absolutely no idea what im doing with my life.
n with the people around me.
right now..
i just dont want to think.
i just want to be selfish and do whatever i want to.
it could be too much to ask.

it doesnt help when i need that attention,
you give it to me,
but reiterate that im a bitch.
it doesnt help when i need that attention,
you dont give it to me.
it doesnt help that at the end of everyday,
i'm lookin forward to the next morning.
that needle of life.
nothing helps.

i almost died when you found that packet.
i dont know why i had it lying around on my table.
i trusted myself too much.
i thought i didnt care.
that its nothing to be ashamed of.
that it didnt matter.
but it did.
i wanted to perish on the spot.
i was just glad you couldnt figure out what it was.

i need a touch of life.

i never understood why people can lose themselves.
maybe cos i never found myself to begin with.
but even then,
i think ive really lost myself this time round.
the dependence on that tiny object to keep me going.

eight people of seven different ages sitting at the table
joking with one another.
that simple joy that i used to live in,
that simple happiness that i know id feel.
its gone..no longer the same.
everything i do,
theres a silence surrounding it.
even in the noisiest of clubs,
even with alcohol filled to my brim,
there is a silence within me.
i dont hear what im supposed to hear.
i hear nothing.
and it scares me, not knowing when i'll find myself again.

"i think im growing dependent on it"
"maybe we'll reduce the dosage after your exams,
and see how things go"
he said as he injected that drug into me.
the darkness of that room,
the staleness of the air.

that drug that works best with alcohol.
that drug that removes me from reality.
that drug that keeps me away from you.
that drug that helps me forget everything.
that drug that pulls me into an abyss of nothingness.
that drug that promises me a moment of peace n serenity.
i'm growing dependent on it.
get me off it.
but help me live.
i dont want to be in cold turkey.
i dont want to be so psychologically dependent on it.
its fucking scaring me.

i woke up not knowing where i was.
those marks on my forearm.
what did i do this time?
sometimes i think i recall,
but sometimes it just doesnt register.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
1:02 AM

its scaring me.
its really fucking scaring me.
i dont want this to be another dark secret.

n i wanted to blog abt something.
but i forgot wad already.

Friday, November 11, 2005
11:54 AM

it was a neutralised day yest.
i wonder why magnets to u
are magnets to tellin me they're magnets to u.
it's.. amazing.
one day,
i'll just find myself losing count of them.

"what if i ask for a patch?"
- no, not a patch for faulty programmes.
"not now, i'm non-commitment."

now now,
what have i become?

because of you.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
8:31 PM

dora said something i pondered over.
i'm lifting it.

They say that before you leave for a trip, the last person that you call before boarding is usually the person that you care about the most.



so who do you call just before you board the plane?



The person whom you care about the most, will also be the first one you call when the plane touches down on home ground.

read cat's blog.
she's probably rite..
"no point pondering over the past when u can only change the future."
"take action or get over it."
and the past is never what we think it is,
we change it everytime we recall it.
weird things memories are.
but what are we without them?

i guess everyone experiences the
"i wonder what'd've happened" shit alot.
well i haven't been thinking lah
but reading it on her blog feels weird.
i honestly need to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
i wanna go back hall n sleep now
but i wont wake up for edna's class.
so i better better remain here.

Saturday, November 05, 2005
8:10 PM

since it doesnt matter, then it shan't.

watched the 'interview' with xiao shu shen.
i could identify so much with her-
ive experienced both that she tried,
and her condition is the same.
everytime i see parts of myself manifested in someone else,
i question those parts of me.

even while she was explainin she was misunderstood,
but rather than explain further,
she took it there.

her facing up to her condition
and uncertainty.

why did she say it out?
why did i say it out?

that elder said to her,
"don't give up because of what u've experienced,
cos maybe one day something good'll come along.
when it happens, don't be scared.
just go along with it, and be happy."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005
11:00 AM

i think i know what u mean now by
being able to hold an intellectual conversation with her and not me.
really, i still do think it's a selfish statement
cos u never tried
and u're too closed up in ur own world to accept my views as well,
thus resulting in that failure of mine to do so.
but i guess it's unfair to say that of u,
cos there are certain people,
who will be there all the time should u need them,
but u just don't feel like turning to.
i get that alot.
and i just found out that certain people actually make u feel comfortable
holding intellectual conversations.
and it's a nice feeling, too.
so i forgive myself by forgiving u on that matter =).

i've been telling myself christ's the only reason u left.
but really, i know it's not true.
i mean, sure, religion's one of the reasons,
but i still dont know if i'm ok with that idea.
it was an excuse for me to alcohol-binge for a long while
but really, i don't know if it bothered me so much
as the fact that u were the first one i felt i could have a long r/s with
and u were the first person to leave me.

sometimes i do wonder how u're getting on,
and ur msn nick just glares at me on the msn messenger.
but with the leo's pride being a convenient excuse
and the reluctance to look bad,
ive never messaged u.
hope u're getting on well =)