Friday, April 28, 2006
12:59 PM

alot of times, it's not the sad situation you're in that makes you pathetic. it's how people react towards you that make you pathetic. he was an example. falling into that situation was bad enough, but what made him pathetic was that most of the people who believed him only gave him the benefit of the doubt. and you? the bouts of enthusiasm, the hypocrisy, the inability to decide what you really want, what you really are, the denial of certain issues, the negligence. that's what makes your situation sad.

and stop that indulgence in self-pity and victimising yourself. because we all know who are suffering. whether or not you are.

Monday, April 03, 2006
12:08 AM

i heard from a friend today,
and she said you were in town.
sunddenly the memories came back to me
in my mind.

how can i be strong ive asked myself
time and time ive said
that i'll never fall in love with you again.

a wounded heart you gave,
my soul you took away.
good intentions you had many.
i know you did.
i come from a place that hurts..
god knows how ive cried.
and i never want to return
never fall again.

loving you felt so good and oh so right.

how can i be strong ive asked myself.
time and time ive said
that i'll never fall in love with you again.
didnt think id come to this
and to know it all began
with just a little this.

ive come too close to happiness..
to have it swept away
dont think i can take the pain.
no never fall again
kinda late in the game
and my heart is in your hands.

dont you stand there and tell me you love me then leave again
cos im fallin in love with you again.
hold me,
dont ever let me go.
say it just one time, say you love me
god knows i do love you again.

Saturday, April 01, 2006
5:29 PM

i know what i am
i know what i look like.

i know what i should do
i know how people feel when i do what i do.

yet i know no other way.

---

tell you to stay far away from him
cos i am jealous.
tell you to look at me and tell me im the one for you
when i never really knew.
tell you that
im hoping
im waiting
im drowning
im lost.

did you really think i could do that?

im telling you i cant.

so i pretend.

i pretend it doesnt matter
and i try to convince myself so.
and it comes to a point
where i dont know if im real anymore.
i dont know if its real anymore.
whether i still feel
the jealousy
the longing
the misjudgement
the hurt.

what else can i do?

turn sour everytime someone brings it up.
for fucks sake its the hottest piece of news.
pretend im hearin it for the first time
every bloody grounding moment someone brings it up.

what else can i do?

sit there quietly.
dont utter a word
try to convince the others its not true
and that i strongly dont believe in it.

i dont want to be the greatest fool
i dont want to stay convinced
when im the only person convincing myself.

every fucking time i write something about you
i put in ambiguity.
so i dont look like such a loser at the end of the day.

---

its time to stop deceiving myself.
to stop pretending.

i know i am deliberately doing it.
i know i am writing this in full view of you and everyone else.
i know the possible consequences
and i know how i look.
what i look like.

but e n j
i cant do it.
i dont know how to.

i can pretend in front of the whole world
except those i care or once cared for.
and i know im becoming yerty.
despite your warning.

but i dont know a better way of doing it.
to stop hurting myself.

youre worn out,
so am i.

if goodbye's what you want,
then goodbye it is.

though i wont really know.