Wednesday, December 07, 2005
12:44 AM

i thought like her. that maybe you loved me like you implied. but a long chat with him sucked me into his pessimism. yea im tired. again. i cant deal with this alone baby. i cant. and.. i feel insulted when i only call you baby when you call the whole world love. its tiring. to wait til the day you tell me wad u really think. you know i wont ask. and no, im not romantic enough to wait. im going back to the needle. i cant wait for you to get me off this state. the drug'll help. one shot a day..maybe more now. but i know its there. for me to depend on. it wont say im suckin energy outta it. it wont cater to every other person. im witherin from the inside. but no, its not ur fault. i just cant take it. i need to get back to the needle.

Sunday, December 04, 2005
5:49 PM

i just realised more than one fucking person thinks im depressed. fine wadever. noone'll hear another word of grumbling from me anymore. maybe i'll even stop blogging here. wadever.

"why are you speaking like you dont know youre important to me? i cant figure out if its cos you really ont know, or youd prefer not to know."

"i can flirt without feeling guilty now."

"all the miscommunication."

i think..i'll stop asking. cos..you'll never tell me anyway.

im not depressed all the time.
im never.
its gross how you think im like that.
maybe whoever i turn to to whine will feel this way.
so fine,
im not gonna whine to you anymore.
thanks anyway.

im crumbling. im scared and cold. everything's frightening. i just want a long hug. someone to hold me tight n tell me everything's gonna be alright.

i woke up with an ache in my upper torso. i forgot how i fell asleep. blood dripped from the wound that isnt fresh anymore. a swipe of that dark red liquid with my fingers confirmed the reality. i turned to stare at that needle in the corner. its been some time since i turned to it to stop the pain. i thought..id let you try to stop the pain. but its bleeding. and i dont know if youre gonna stay with me this time. maybe..the needle would be safer to depend on.