I dreamt of crisp autumn leaves drifting slowly, gently, like a dance, through the fresh morning air towards their carpet of companions on the slightly damp ground. There was a short piece of wooden plank that was tied on both ends with ropes attached to a strong looking branch on one of the biggest trees by the side of the road, making for a swing. The dream was in sephia...
She was standing beside the swing, and we seemed to be very comfortable with each other. We didn't speak a word, but held a conversation. I don't know how it could happen -- perhaps anything could happen in dreams. I sat on the swing, and started oscillating like a pendulum under her gentle pushes and pulls of the rope. We talked about life, shared our dreams, and all the peaceful things. I never felt calmer than I did that moment. And as I took comfort in the soft swinging through the air, breathing in the calmness and serenity of the surroundings, I felt her departure. It wasn't sudden. It felt normal. Then it struck me -- she knew. But she was cool about it. I could not remember the words she said, nor the words I did. But I knew she had to leave.
---
And when I woke up, it was time for lunch with the Praxis gang.
(0) attempted to save me
The alarm on the handphone went off. I have not had a proper sleep for some time now, and the comfortable bed, nice warm blanket and Tedd in my arms put me through a good night. Like the slob I am, I tried to shut the noise out of my head but it was impossible -- the alarm was like the housefly that flies around your head when you are with some people you really want to impress and confident that you're smelling good, may I add, -- its relentless effort all to irritate the shit out of you. I reached for the little pest, pressed some button on the keypad, and fell back into sleep. Like I told you, the alarm clock behaved just like the housefly, and houseflies do not go away with a simple wave of your hand, at least not with my flabby arm. I repeated the act, and then again, and a few more times, before I found the archilles heel. The Snooze. I do have a certain level of understanding of myself, and so I stretched for the innocent enough looking alarm clock sitting on mummy's table and set the alarm for 7.40a.m.. No harm being a little late, I can wash up within 15minutes anyway.
The next thing I knew, I was sleeping really comfortably, undisturbed. And that thought flooded into my mind, and did it. My eyelids flew open, i swear they did, and I felt the alarm clock in my hands -- that evil thing! Now I know why they say looks are deceiving. It was already 8.40a.m., and it must have sneaked into bed when I was sleeping soundly. It didn't even ring!
I sent an sms to my attorney saying I was down with diarrheoa and to explain to Mr. Judge. Then I said hi to darling Lola, washed my face, bathed, pulled on a big sweater, some fresh shorts off the pile neaatly stacked on the piano chair, and smsed Minah.
I'm going to be terribly late.
me too. i'm only making my way to the train station.
Let's cab down from Tiong Bahru.
On the cab, Minah said to me, "I think we're going to be early." I gave her the look, and I was totally blur. Aren't we going to be a whole hour late?! Oh yes, I had remembered the wrong time.
---
As the voice in the background droned on, my eyelids got heavier. Weird things they are, these eyelid things. One minute they can spring open, the next they can't wait to be shut. I tried everything to keep them open, but they weighed heavier than the table soocer at Guild House. No wonder I'm so heavy. Most of my weight must come from my eyelids. The fear of further judgement from Mr. Judge was not strong enough and I accepted Zhou Gong's invitation to that game of chess.
I awoke to find he was still droning on in his hypnotic voice and injecting his boring speech occasionally with the weird laughter that sounded like a cross between a persistent cough and breathing difficulties. So I went back to sleep.
---
(written 6th April 2005)
(0) attempted to save me
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
6:17 PM
The bar was not empty, but as we sat at the booth, the crowd faded away... and I felt like I was in a movie, with the spotlight on our table and the background blurred. There was no need to talk over the noise -- there was no audible noise. As we shared our various stories and takes on issues, my heart seemed to find a grassland on its own. Not the one that I had been expecting, but I felt at peace with myself. Maybe good company does good for a confused mind.
Cliched as it is, but apparently peace does not last. The incessant nagging in some unidentified corner of my head could not be ignored. I picked up my handphone from the table to think of a reply to that curt message. Something to ease off the tension, something to put things right again.
---
As I parted the curtains, sunlight flooded the room. Seems like the rainy season is over. I always loved the sun. Even when I used to row. It is a wonderful source of energy. I think I function like a plant, needing this divine energy to propel me forward, and so my mood changes like the weather. You know, she's got the sun in her eyes.
Been a long time since I've gone out to sea. I miss soaking in the enormous bed of marine life, riding the wakes generated by the beautiful but noisy boat, and learning new tricks. I should have forgotten most of them by now -- not that I used to know alot though. Technical stuff seem easier to control than relationship-wise. But I probably like the instability (do i?) and newness to it. The dynamic nature. The minor head injury that I suffered when I got thrown off the wake and my board flew off only lasted for a few days. But however insignificant, injuries of the heart seem to last forever, even though they can be totally small sometimes you don't feel them. Like how I remember the presence of the scar on my left wrist, no matter how tiny it is now, from my Primary School days. Not that the incident still floods my mind now, but the memories and the pain with which the scar brings is so vivid. And that's where they're irritating -- you know they're there somewhere.
Maybe the excitement in my life that I had to forgo for a long while is the cause of my addiction to Ice. Or maybe I had thought that what I missed out in life could be found in the drug. Either way, I picked it up. I knew no harmful effects of Ice, except the withdrawal symptoms. It had become a part of my life -- my regular dossage that perks me up like coffee. The assurance that I'll get my next dosage has become a constant thought in my head -- and it is the engine of the vehicle that drives me through Life. The day I knew that I might not have the means to keep my supply of that drug, that the drug was not made for me but some other kind of people, was the day I tried to quit. The escapist I am, I was able to do it -- til I saw my next pill and felt the effects it had in me again. The joy I feel, the filling up of a little void in me, the craving for more. I may be a little addicted.
---
(0) attempted to save me
Monday, April 04, 2005
3:41 AM
The morning sun peeked in on a grouchy Jo lay sprawled on her bed, refusing to open her eyes and surrender her dreams to a morning that she believed was meant to be slept in. But then again, which morning is not? I stretched my hand out for the worn out grey cellphone which once looked sleek and executive-ish. Well, I really still think it does, but sometimes I choose to give in to the popular belief. No new messages.
Tedd was forgotten and left in a weird position on the bed like he had been the past few days -- no longer getting the morning kisses that I so lovingly gave during the first few weeks of his arrival. He no longer got tucked in nicely before I leave the house either. I started on the usual morning routine -- 5 minutes pondering whether to shower or brush my teeth first. My mouth felt awfully dry, like a plant left out in the hot afternoon without being watered, so I brought my legs over the fence, stepping into the kitchen. The air smelt of isolation and helplessness, and of course stank of the natural consequence of putting water in Lola's dish. I was set on auto-pilot and soon tuned off to my surroundings, neglecting the morning tenderness I usually offer Lola.
I had guessed the day would be different, but I certainly did not expect the ridiculous feelings I got in the different parts of my body. My heart felt like an old rag wrenched of all the different pleasant tastes it was once soaked in, now dry with a stale feel. The body felt denser, and moving around became a chore. Muscles at the ends of my mouth seemed to have gone on strike, and no matter how I tried, I could not muster a smile. I tried to shrug off these weird sensations, but my shoulders turned rebellious. I gave up trying to make myself feel better. There was only one cure, which was definitely beyond the means of a leo with any amount of pride intact. Yes, everything went haywire but useless pride remained stubborn.
The day dragged on, and I realised I had not found the hours of a day so unbearable for a few weeks now. The creases in the heart could not be ironed out, and the wrung feeling of a rag still clung on steadily, showing no sign of surrendering. I went around on my chores like a robot with its movements programmed, not remembering how I survived those dreary hours.
---
I stood in front of the mirror that sretched across the length of the wall, bending over the evil magnifier that sadistically enlarged all the blemishes on my face which at that moment reflected the many scars in me. It was the last run for the production that we had spent so many hours and sleepless nights over, but my mind was somewhere else. Stuck to a memory of a certain someone with her back turned to me.
The conversation over the phone last night did not help to clarify the doubts I had in my head, but I was looking forward to a resolution around 8 plus p.m., and it came. It felt as if a strong gust of wind had swept the clouds out of my head, and I was finally able to concentrate. Curtain call, jealousy, wine, picture-taking, shots. The six shots did not take fill my head with the solace that they always offered, but made my heart and mind weak again. I started hammering away at the inner wall of pride, and waited to see the grassland that I had hoped would emerge.
---
(editted at 6:15om, 5 April 2005)
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Saturday, April 02, 2005
12:13 AM
"do you wanna go to the amusement park later?"
the sms read. My heart did a flip and I almost died with no blood pumping through my body. Attention was paid to the minor details of the makeup and the clothes, but time zoomed past and I had no recollection of what had happened during that unconstructive period of time.
I reached the amusement park half an hour early. A gentle tap on my shoulder saw me beaming before I turned around. But it was not who I expected.
"Hi Jo, there's something I've been hiding for some time."
"Yea?" I smiled, and was ready to hear her grumble.
"I... have a crush on you." she offered.
"haha, do you really remember who I am?" I countered.
"Jo from that party?"
"Yea..." I was amused and trying to figure out why everything didn't make sense. It felt weird, and she wasn't convincing at all.
It took me some time to figure out why.
"OH! HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!" I shrieked!
"Yes Jo, haha. Hope you have fun at the park today! Remember my girlfriend? She's over there and she says hi." and she left for the rides.
I should have realised it was a warning to the day's events. But I refused to believe my day had started without her. I was all nervous and geared up to meet the big someone of my day.
"Hey. Have you been waiting long? I'm sorry I got caught up with my essays. You wanna catch a ride on the ferris wheel? I've tipped the attendant so he could put us up there for a few more minutes."
I've always had acrophobia, but I love rides. But the ferris wheel and the pause in the air sounded too much for me. I was willing to try it though...anything with her. The romantic promise seemed so unreal, but something tugged at my heart -- she wouldn't play a trick on me, even though it's April Fool's.
"OK! Let's do it!" I enthused.
As I climbed excitedly into the seat and fastened my seatbelt, she laughed and went off. The ferris wheel was too much for me after all. And all alone in the cubicle I felt isolated from the world. I didn't feel like I belong, and I was scared. No matter how hard I cried out to my friends below that I could now see, they couldn't hear me. And even if they did, they couldn't help me. It was my own mess. I shouldn't have believed she felt the same way. The excitement I got before the ride crashed into the dam that blocked the waves of fear and the dam crumbled into the tiniest obstacles that hid me from the collapse of my pride.
I was jaded when the ride ended.
"Was that meant to be a treat, or just a lousy joke?" I stared at her.
"ok sorry." she offered.
I didn't know what it meant. But I was the leo. I didn't want to be a leo, but my walls came up. The walls that I'd tried so hard to tear down long ago... the walls of self defence mechanism. It took a second to be erected again.
"Happy April Fool's Day! haha" I managed.
She did not seem to realise the hurt I had gone through. But I did not want to screw up her day with me.
---
(0) attempted to save me
Friday, April 01, 2005
2:16 PM
Stationed hopeful in front of the computer, I was waiting for her to come online. The typical scenario of an infatuated someone. She was (On The Phone), and I felt this first small drop of vinegar drip onto my heart. It was then absorbed slowly but surely by the living, pumping organ which threatened to spread the poison like it could. As minutes flashed by on the digital clock at the corner of the screen, my heart sank. The vicious organ had started its work on the small drop of poison, making both the body and the mind weak.
An msn window popped up, and there inside were the many other names of people I know, people who mattered to me too. For just a split second, I hesitated. I was waiting for her to come back on, not to chat with other people who would just leave faded footprints in my life. But that was a fleeting thought which left my mind fast enough to do no harm. What I needed were sure friends and a good conversation, not an empty wait for uncertainty. What had I been thinking?
My heart seemed to follow the direction of the lines and lines of good-natured teasing and light-hearted jokes that scrolled up the channel, and I joined in the conversation that I had thought I would never be able to follow, having missed out on so much the past week. I guess some things only change in your mind, not in others'. When you're guilty of something, anticipation heightens and intensified satisfaction or disappointment follows, rarely both. I was, after all, still part of them, and I started smiling while typing away in the window. A corner of my heart still tugging away at the thought of her, I uncontrollably moved the cursor over to the green icon near the displayed digital clock, and double-clicked. She was no longer online. Just as well, I thought, and continued typing heartily away at the window where I previously was, no distractions this time.
As if heaven knew everyone of us was enjoying the conversation so much that none of us would close the window and go to bed deliberately, it started disconnecting us one by one. After dozens of attempts to log on, only to be disconnected again, we left the Internet and lapsed into various sweet dreams.
---
Upon opening my eyes at the first light that streamed into the room, my first reflex was to stretch out for my handphone, pretending, even to myself, that it was just a casual check for important administrative sms-es. I didn't know how it could possible happen, but my heart sank even lower from the position where she had left it. It was a bright and promising day, and I simply refused to wake up not to her sms. I turned and hugged Tedd, but feeling somewhat vexed. A cool bath would do me good.
As the first drops of the cold refreshing water pelted down on the tired body of frustration, I felt lighter. The hair, the roots of troubles they say, fell away from my shoulders and pointed straight to the floor...as straight as I never could be, I mused. The fingers massaging my scalp seemed to act like little magnets, attracting the heavy molecules of evil away from my head, into the foamy shampoo, and then mercilessly into the drain. The cool shower really did me good.
The air that greeted me as I stepped out of the bathroom was uncomfortably warm, at least ten degrees higher than the refreshing water had been, or so i thought. I was never good at science. I removed the cherished rowing cushion from the stool and brought the latter under the speckless fan. What's the use of a clean fan when it was not pointing straight at me, with its sole aim only to relieve me of unwanted energy that would only turn evil? I insistently shifted the direction of the fan, this time straight at my bed, knowing I would soon fall into another refreshing sleep. I put the stool back in front of the computer, the rowing cushion on top, climbed into my bed, hugged Tedd under the covers, and fell asleep.
This time, I woke up to her sms.
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