im glad we're working out fine, but there are just so many questions that i had wanted to ask you. what you meant in all those circumstances. whether you shared all the joy i felt during all those moments.
and i wanna let you know, you're someone i had a connection with. and you've been making me smile when i thought it was impossible. you've been most tolerant with my pettiness and unreasonable attitude, pacifying me when i throw tantrums. i don't know how you could do all those, but thanks. you're really a treasured friend.
(0) attempted to save me
Friday, June 24, 2005
1:25 AM
Sent:
22:52:20
03-03-2005
it reads,
ni hao ma
and will it shock you to know that i'm waiting for an sms from you again, to show that you still care, even though i told you i'm fine already? will it come this time round?
(0) attempted to save me
the whole night i was trying to get myself drunk, to try to make myself throw all the bad stuff in my body up, to empty myself of all feelings. and all the time i was staring at my handphone, to see if you would sms me at all. you knew where i was going, you knew what i was going to do. you sounded like you cared, but not once did my handphone light up or vibrate all the million times i looked at it. i passed my handphone to my friends, to take care of it, to make sure i won't lose my phone and miss your sms. and they knew i was looking out for ur sms the whole night, and tried to keep my handphone away from me. and i think i should just have let them. cos ur sms never came. hahaa. it never did come. not once when i was checking it. no, you were not obliged to contact me. expectations always result in disappointment. the moment i dug my throat with my finger and everything came up was a symbollic one. i could not throw up just from alcohol. i had to induce it. and a whole lot came out. i washed my hands clean. with lots of soap. in case you came down and saw me all dirty from throwing up. and i checked my handphone again. "she won't call. don't check anymore." i kept hearing people tell me. but i just held on to a single hope. even as a friend, you would sms and check if i was fine.. wouldnt you?
when i stood by the railing and leant on it to cry, thinking it was one corner of the room where i would not be seen (in my drunken state of mind), your sms didn't come. when my friends hugged me, your sms didn't come. when a butch hugged me and told me she's worse off, your sms didn't come. when my fever acted up again and i felt horrible, your sms didn't come. all those moments, when all i needed was an sms from you to feel alright again.
when i couldn't dance and stole away from the crowd to go out into the fresh air when i can hear my handphone beep, your sms didn't come. when i lay against the wall and just stared into my handphone, your sms didn't come. when i was smoking my first cigarette in months, your sms didn't come. when i found a way to throw up without digging, and threw up everything i could, your sms didn't come. when i was drinking the iced milo and poking away at my food, your sms didn't come. all those moments, when all i needed was an sms from you to smile again.
so i figured you wouldn't sms me anymore. we took a cab home, a mercedes cab. i walked from the bus stop to my house in the dark, no longer hoping you would even remember i was outside. i put my shoes neatly outside the flat, as i always do when i'm back from a heavy drinking session, opened the door quietly and wished lola wouldn't bark, stole into my room, threw my handphone somewhere, and took a bath. i was rid of all awful emotions after all. i found my handphone, checked that my friend was home as well. and i logged on to blog-surf. and at 03:49:54, your sms came. with a spelling mistake. and when i wasn't expecting it, when it would no longer be meaningful. i didn't know what to reply, and i smsed another sms, thinking i sounded curt in the previous sms. but you didn't reply, when i wanted to know if you cared when i was out. no, your sms didn't come.
but i'm glad your sms didn't come, cos i finally am able to let go of you, to let go of it all. yes, all. not just you. cos i went thru a time when i needed you, and you weren't there. you were probably doing something else, which didn't allow a single thought of me to be on your mind. you probably sent that sms when you tossed in your sleep, and fell back to sleep after that. i choose to think this way. and i'm ready to let go. fully, this time round. and readers, i've decided to turn straight, to lead the normal life. yes this statement, as i utter it, is filled with sarcasm. but i am doing it. after letting my walls down after her and you, i'm back to where i was, and further away. i never thought i'd be using this expression, but that is what i'm feeling now. back to where i was, rejecting people i truly like, like garfield, and getting together with people i didn't really care as much for. and further away, cos i'll still date girls, but i'll only get attached to guys, if any pleasant guy likes me. i'm not doing this to spite anyone. so, help me with it, people who're reading this.
i needed to talk to someone badly just now, and people whom i could talk to were either out, or asleep. or i knew they had to rise early the next day. and i did try you. but your sms didn't come, til it was too late again. yes, i know you realised. but i really don't blame you. i needed to talk, cos the decision to try and be someone whom i'm not hurts me. it goes against all my beliefs, but i've made that decision, and i needed to cry. but i cried my tears, and i wanted to know i still had you as a friend. but when i heard your concerned voice when you called a minute too late, and the silence in your voice when you were putting down, it all came to me again. those tears i thought i ran out of. my bones ached. i can't be sure if it was the hurt i was feeling, or the fever i'm having for the third day now. but i'm a strong girl, and i'm fine now. be proud of me, be proud of my decision.
(0) attempted to save me
Saturday, June 11, 2005
11:02 AM
It felt so different back in the scene. Back in the scene where alcohol flowed free in every human body around, and cigarette smoke coursed through every vein. Back in the scene where an eye contact and a body movement picked up another body for the moment's satisfaction. In the queue outside the club, Dinah hesitated. She had lost all urge to club after she met her. None of her clubbing plans had worked out properly -- she just didn't have the mood. Now that she knew it was impossible, she knew she just had to move on. I must be cursed to like a straight girl. But she still had mixed feelings as she put her arms around the shoulders of the butch in front of her, and waited for the crowd of people to move. She half wished she was here with her, holding her hand and just feeling her close by. But it was impossible. Dinah tightened her hold and leant forward to rest.
As she finally gained entry into the club, Dinah tried to fit in again. I am here to move on, and enjoy myself thoroughly. "Hey." Dinah turned around to see her old friend looking better than ever and standing above the crowd of unlookables, smelling the same. She had missed her friend badly. As her friend related her current relationship(s) Dinah couldn't help identifying with her. She knew how it felt like to have lost someone she felt connected to, and lose all sense of belonging. The need inside to find solace somewhere, anywhere. Well, that was why she was here anyway, wasn't it? In fact, Dinah had a strong urge to kiss her friend. It was in her that she once found escape from the harshness of the previous relationship she was in. And as she breathed in that familiar scent and looked into those eyes once again, she knew she just had to walk away.
"Babe, I'm sorry to say, she really doesn't like you. Are you ok? I think she was just trying to spite me, doing all those things for you." The words kept resounding in Dinah's head. She had decided there was no point in holding on to a glimmer of hope which she didn't know and didn't have a way to know still existed or not. The wait was long and emotionally torturous. So many times Dinah had wanted to give an ultimatum, but she was reluctant to put her in a spot, and of course, she was so afraid of what she would hear. She was indeed, too proud to lose. And now, with the insistence that she had never liked Dinah before, she knew it was time to try and move on. It's not gonna be easy, she was the one girl whom Dinah had held on to for so long. No girl had lasted more than a month. Her friends had found it hard to believe whenever they checked back on Dinah. "Are you sure?" "It's STILL her?!" "What's up this time round?" She shook her head at those comments. Just which part of her was sure it would have worked out?! Just which part of her held on to the idea that she was still in the least bit attractive? Just which part of her believed that life would be good with her? She was just a girl.
---
It was work again. And Dinah felt she was able to deny enough emotions to be just friends again. But hearing her chatter happily away with someone else just didnt feel good. And seeing them walking back together felt worse. Dinah didn't know what happened to her. Has she ever liked me? She hated the fact that all she had felt was assurance from her could be just to spite that someone. It irked her. Dinah felt cheated and alone. And it is going to be difficult to reconcile this hurt.
(0) attempted to save me