maybe cos i never found myself to begin with.
but even then,
i think ive really lost myself this time round.
the dependence on that tiny object to keep me going.
eight people of seven different ages sitting at the table
joking with one another.
that simple joy that i used to live in,
that simple happiness that i know id feel.
its gone..no longer the same.
everything i do,
theres a silence surrounding it.
even in the noisiest of clubs,
even with alcohol filled to my brim,
there is a silence within me.
i dont hear what im supposed to hear.
i hear nothing.
and it scares me, not knowing when i'll find myself again.
"i think im growing dependent on it"
"maybe we'll reduce the dosage after your exams,
and see how things go"
he said as he injected that drug into me.
the darkness of that room,
the staleness of the air.
that drug that works best with alcohol.
that drug that removes me from reality.
that drug that keeps me away from you.
that drug that helps me forget everything.
that drug that pulls me into an abyss of nothingness.
that drug that promises me a moment of peace n serenity.
i'm growing dependent on it.
get me off it.
but help me live.
i dont want to be in cold turkey.
i dont want to be so psychologically dependent on it.
its fucking scaring me.
i woke up not knowing where i was.
those marks on my forearm.
what did i do this time?
sometimes i think i recall,
but sometimes it just doesnt register.