i know what i look like.
i know what i should do
i know how people feel when i do what i do.
yet i know no other way.
---
tell you to stay far away from him
cos i am jealous.
tell you to look at me and tell me im the one for you
when i never really knew.
tell you that
im hoping
im waiting
im drowning
im lost.
did you really think i could do that?
im telling you i cant.
so i pretend.
i pretend it doesnt matter
and i try to convince myself so.
and it comes to a point
where i dont know if im real anymore.
i dont know if its real anymore.
whether i still feel
the jealousy
the longing
the misjudgement
the hurt.
what else can i do?
turn sour everytime someone brings it up.
for fucks sake its the hottest piece of news.
pretend im hearin it for the first time
every bloody grounding moment someone brings it up.
what else can i do?
sit there quietly.
dont utter a word
try to convince the others its not true
and that i strongly dont believe in it.
i dont want to be the greatest fool
i dont want to stay convinced
when im the only person convincing myself.
every fucking time i write something about you
i put in ambiguity.
so i dont look like such a loser at the end of the day.
---
its time to stop deceiving myself.
to stop pretending.
i know i am deliberately doing it.
i know i am writing this in full view of you and everyone else.
i know the possible consequences
and i know how i look.
what i look like.
but e n j
i cant do it.
i dont know how to.
i can pretend in front of the whole world
except those i care or once cared for.
and i know im becoming yerty.
despite your warning.
but i dont know a better way of doing it.
to stop hurting myself.
youre worn out,
so am i.
if goodbye's what you want,
then goodbye it is.
though i wont really know.