It felt so different back in the scene. Back in the scene where alcohol flowed free in every human body around, and cigarette smoke coursed through every vein. Back in the scene where an eye contact and a body movement picked up another body for the moment's satisfaction. In the queue outside the club, Dinah hesitated. She had lost all urge to club after she met her. None of her clubbing plans had worked out properly -- she just didn't have the mood. Now that she knew it was impossible, she knew she just had to move on. I must be cursed to like a straight girl. But she still had mixed feelings as she put her arms around the shoulders of the butch in front of her, and waited for the crowd of people to move. She half wished she was here with her, holding her hand and just feeling her close by. But it was impossible. Dinah tightened her hold and leant forward to rest.
As she finally gained entry into the club, Dinah tried to fit in again. I am here to move on, and enjoy myself thoroughly. "Hey." Dinah turned around to see her old friend looking better than ever and standing above the crowd of unlookables, smelling the same. She had missed her friend badly. As her friend related her current relationship(s) Dinah couldn't help identifying with her. She knew how it felt like to have lost someone she felt connected to, and lose all sense of belonging. The need inside to find solace somewhere, anywhere. Well, that was why she was here anyway, wasn't it? In fact, Dinah had a strong urge to kiss her friend. It was in her that she once found escape from the harshness of the previous relationship she was in. And as she breathed in that familiar scent and looked into those eyes once again, she knew she just had to walk away.
"Babe, I'm sorry to say, she really doesn't like you. Are you ok? I think she was just trying to spite me, doing all those things for you." The words kept resounding in Dinah's head. She had decided there was no point in holding on to a glimmer of hope which she didn't know and didn't have a way to know still existed or not. The wait was long and emotionally torturous. So many times Dinah had wanted to give an ultimatum, but she was reluctant to put her in a spot, and of course, she was so afraid of what she would hear. She was indeed, too proud to lose. And now, with the insistence that she had never liked Dinah before, she knew it was time to try and move on. It's not gonna be easy, she was the one girl whom Dinah had held on to for so long. No girl had lasted more than a month. Her friends had found it hard to believe whenever they checked back on Dinah. "Are you sure?" "It's STILL her?!" "What's up this time round?" She shook her head at those comments. Just which part of her was sure it would have worked out?! Just which part of her held on to the idea that she was still in the least bit attractive? Just which part of her believed that life would be good with her? She was just a girl.
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It was work again. And Dinah felt she was able to deny enough emotions to be just friends again. But hearing her chatter happily away with someone else just didnt feel good. And seeing them walking back together felt worse. Dinah didn't know what happened to her. Has she ever liked me? She hated the fact that all she had felt was assurance from her could be just to spite that someone. It irked her. Dinah felt cheated and alone. And it is going to be difficult to reconcile this hurt.